GOOD AND NOT SO GOOD
It has been almost a month now since my Florida oncologist told me to stop taking the chemotherapy including the steroids because my platelets have declined and are not increasing. Unfortunately, I think he made a mistake in not counseling me to wean myself off the steroids in some slow fashion. I say this because ever since I stopped the chemo (especially the steroids) I have struggled with an intense mood disorder. It began as an acute depression but in the past week I have felt an intense anxiety from morning until night. Fortunately my sleep has not been disturbed but my days have been truly abominable. I have known situational anxiety from time to time but nothing as painful as this chronic anxiety.
My mood is generally flat and I worry about all sorts of "what if" problems; and I am unable to change my fear-based thinking no matter how unreasonable it is. I am so not myself. For the three years of this cancer I have been able to maintain, or at least return to, an overall positive attitude. That eludes me in this state. I have started taking Xanax and that helps a bit but not completely. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week who is experienced with oncology and I am hoping that he will be helpful. A close therapist friend had similarly excruciating symptoms as my own but once taking the anti-depressant, Lexipro, has had complete relief. We'll see what the psychiatrist says. I want my positive self back as I need every bit of positive energy and attitude as I can get! And yet, of course, I am not wild about adding more heavy-duty medication to that which I already take. This is just another dilemma that comes with this challenging journey.
So that's the not-so-good; that which I would very much like to eliminate completely from my life. But there has been a positive side. Some of my anxiety has focused upon money and the excessive credit debt I recently allowed to build up. The anxiety has served as a wake-up call for me and today I have begun a self-designed program to pay off the balances on my cards before I commit to another purchase or project. My intention is to do this in a determined but light-hearted way. I don't want it to be grim, just effective. I am doing it because I live on a fixed income and I have no idea how long it will need to last. It certainly doesn't look like I'm going to croak anytime soon so I have to be responsible where lately I've been slack. As someone said:"The point is to bounce your last check!" However, that requires a prescience I don't seem to have. I felt a lot more financially secure when I thought I wasn't going to live very long. Now I'm not so sure.
One of the things that frustrates me is that I have been working since I was eleven years old and my former identity is that of one who can always make money and take care of my financial obligations. Well that is no more. I continue to see three clients but I am unable to work much more. Thus in the depths of my anxiety I began to fear about losing my income and my house. Well on my walk this morning I had this clear and strong energy sweep over me and then had the thought that Spirit brought me this house and no one was going to take it away. It was not arrogance but the kind of intuitive knowing that has been my strongest guide throughout my life and especially during the years of my acute illness. So perhaps my true self is re-emerging and my positive attitude and gratitude will once again dispel the senseless fear. That certainly is my intention.
It has been almost a month now since my Florida oncologist told me to stop taking the chemotherapy including the steroids because my platelets have declined and are not increasing. Unfortunately, I think he made a mistake in not counseling me to wean myself off the steroids in some slow fashion. I say this because ever since I stopped the chemo (especially the steroids) I have struggled with an intense mood disorder. It began as an acute depression but in the past week I have felt an intense anxiety from morning until night. Fortunately my sleep has not been disturbed but my days have been truly abominable. I have known situational anxiety from time to time but nothing as painful as this chronic anxiety.
My mood is generally flat and I worry about all sorts of "what if" problems; and I am unable to change my fear-based thinking no matter how unreasonable it is. I am so not myself. For the three years of this cancer I have been able to maintain, or at least return to, an overall positive attitude. That eludes me in this state. I have started taking Xanax and that helps a bit but not completely. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week who is experienced with oncology and I am hoping that he will be helpful. A close therapist friend had similarly excruciating symptoms as my own but once taking the anti-depressant, Lexipro, has had complete relief. We'll see what the psychiatrist says. I want my positive self back as I need every bit of positive energy and attitude as I can get! And yet, of course, I am not wild about adding more heavy-duty medication to that which I already take. This is just another dilemma that comes with this challenging journey.
So that's the not-so-good; that which I would very much like to eliminate completely from my life. But there has been a positive side. Some of my anxiety has focused upon money and the excessive credit debt I recently allowed to build up. The anxiety has served as a wake-up call for me and today I have begun a self-designed program to pay off the balances on my cards before I commit to another purchase or project. My intention is to do this in a determined but light-hearted way. I don't want it to be grim, just effective. I am doing it because I live on a fixed income and I have no idea how long it will need to last. It certainly doesn't look like I'm going to croak anytime soon so I have to be responsible where lately I've been slack. As someone said:"The point is to bounce your last check!" However, that requires a prescience I don't seem to have. I felt a lot more financially secure when I thought I wasn't going to live very long. Now I'm not so sure.
One of the things that frustrates me is that I have been working since I was eleven years old and my former identity is that of one who can always make money and take care of my financial obligations. Well that is no more. I continue to see three clients but I am unable to work much more. Thus in the depths of my anxiety I began to fear about losing my income and my house. Well on my walk this morning I had this clear and strong energy sweep over me and then had the thought that Spirit brought me this house and no one was going to take it away. It was not arrogance but the kind of intuitive knowing that has been my strongest guide throughout my life and especially during the years of my acute illness. So perhaps my true self is re-emerging and my positive attitude and gratitude will once again dispel the senseless fear. That certainly is my intention.
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