EASTER 2010; THE LOOK OF ILLNESS
This Easter I was invited to a small dinner party in a rather small condo. Jeff decided to change the location of the dinner to our house and as a result the guest list grew to a total of about twenty-five people all who participated in making it happen. This resulted in a literal feast of more delicious food than we could possibly eat and desserts that were truly extraordinary. In addition guests arranged to color Easter eggs and conduct an egg hunt. All of which was great fun on a day that was impeccably warm, sunny, and bright.
But what was most interesting to me was the Friday prior to Easter I had delivered a huge, new sub-zero refrigerator. When they removed the old built-in refrigerator we discovered that the back of the wall was covered in black mold so that the new refrigerator was unable to be installed. In fact I had to hire a contractor to come the following day to remove the rear wall and prepare an opening for the new refrigerator to be installed. However, the installers were unable to do that until today, four days later. Consequently the refrigerator was left standing proudly in the center of the kitchen next to a gaping hole where it would eventually reside. Additionally there was no furniture in the recently renovated dining room so we set up an old table in the center of the room as a serving table and used the kitchen island for preparation. It is fortunate that there are so many places on my property which allow for people to gather in small groups to mingle and eat.
But I learned an important lesson from this affair and that was that nothing, virtually nothing, is essential other than good people and strong intention! The party, the entire day, was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone present including the hosts who might well have been forgiven had they been hassled by the logistical breakdowns. But no one was hassled and everyone enjoyed the event completely. Aside from the beauty and ease of a fully completed kitchen, absolutely nothing was necessary to add to the success of the party itself. Once again it brought home to me that circumstances occur to us but they do not have to determine our reality. That which determines our reality is where we focus our attention and literally what we say about the circumstances that are occurring. I cannot sufficiently stress the importance of this to me at this point. There is no other explanation of how I can live with these multiple diseases and the losses that I have incurred as a result of this illness and still maintain a desire to be alive and to pursue beauty and joy in every day of my life.
In reflecting upon the current state of my health I think in terms of a roller coaster of "okay". I am okay; some days I am more okay than others but I have no truly bad days and while I do have some truly good days I tend to forget those in the face of the prevailing mediocrity of most days. All I know is that the chemotherapy appears to be working and the cancer is not active. I don't believe that this is considered remission as I am dependent upon the chemotherapy to maintain the status quo, and yet because the side effects of the chemotherapy are tolerable, if annoying, I am content.
This does not mean that I do not miss much of what I have lost in my life that I have loved. The onslaught of chemicals which keep me alive have done so at the expense of all erotic feelings. And I miss walking: on the beach, for exercise, for long conversations with cherished friends, and travel. Most of the travel that I have enjoyed around this extraordinary world has involved walking or hiking. This is a loss to me and one I feel acutely.
In truth it is bittersweet because just as the neuropathy prevents me from walking any distance, I am still able to walk some distance even if uncomfortably so. I am deeply grateful to be able to move independently from place to place. I can no longer walk my three mile route about my neighborhood but I can make it up and back the block two or three times. And in case you have wondered, Jeff does ALL of the work involved in creating the social events that we host. But feel what I may I help to hold the vision and I attend with as much presence as I am able to muster.
I have found that absolutely everything,everything is attitude! And we as a species are nothing if not adaptable.
But what was most interesting to me was the Friday prior to Easter I had delivered a huge, new sub-zero refrigerator. When they removed the old built-in refrigerator we discovered that the back of the wall was covered in black mold so that the new refrigerator was unable to be installed. In fact I had to hire a contractor to come the following day to remove the rear wall and prepare an opening for the new refrigerator to be installed. However, the installers were unable to do that until today, four days later. Consequently the refrigerator was left standing proudly in the center of the kitchen next to a gaping hole where it would eventually reside. Additionally there was no furniture in the recently renovated dining room so we set up an old table in the center of the room as a serving table and used the kitchen island for preparation. It is fortunate that there are so many places on my property which allow for people to gather in small groups to mingle and eat.
But I learned an important lesson from this affair and that was that nothing, virtually nothing, is essential other than good people and strong intention! The party, the entire day, was thoroughly enjoyed by everyone present including the hosts who might well have been forgiven had they been hassled by the logistical breakdowns. But no one was hassled and everyone enjoyed the event completely. Aside from the beauty and ease of a fully completed kitchen, absolutely nothing was necessary to add to the success of the party itself. Once again it brought home to me that circumstances occur to us but they do not have to determine our reality. That which determines our reality is where we focus our attention and literally what we say about the circumstances that are occurring. I cannot sufficiently stress the importance of this to me at this point. There is no other explanation of how I can live with these multiple diseases and the losses that I have incurred as a result of this illness and still maintain a desire to be alive and to pursue beauty and joy in every day of my life.
In reflecting upon the current state of my health I think in terms of a roller coaster of "okay". I am okay; some days I am more okay than others but I have no truly bad days and while I do have some truly good days I tend to forget those in the face of the prevailing mediocrity of most days. All I know is that the chemotherapy appears to be working and the cancer is not active. I don't believe that this is considered remission as I am dependent upon the chemotherapy to maintain the status quo, and yet because the side effects of the chemotherapy are tolerable, if annoying, I am content.
This does not mean that I do not miss much of what I have lost in my life that I have loved. The onslaught of chemicals which keep me alive have done so at the expense of all erotic feelings. And I miss walking: on the beach, for exercise, for long conversations with cherished friends, and travel. Most of the travel that I have enjoyed around this extraordinary world has involved walking or hiking. This is a loss to me and one I feel acutely.
In truth it is bittersweet because just as the neuropathy prevents me from walking any distance, I am still able to walk some distance even if uncomfortably so. I am deeply grateful to be able to move independently from place to place. I can no longer walk my three mile route about my neighborhood but I can make it up and back the block two or three times. And in case you have wondered, Jeff does ALL of the work involved in creating the social events that we host. But feel what I may I help to hold the vision and I attend with as much presence as I am able to muster.
I have found that absolutely everything,everything is attitude! And we as a species are nothing if not adaptable.
