I am concluding the second week of a new chemotherapy which has replaced the Velcade; it is called cyclophosphamide - or cyclops for short! We made the switch because Velcade was really hard on me as I am sure you noticed from previous postings and it caused my neuropathy to worsen considerably to the point where walking is a problem. With the cyclops comes a new regimen as well. There are no more spa days since I take the chemo in the form of one pill per day along with an anti-nausea pill and 25mg of steroids once per week. This is all done at home. I still go to acupuncture twice each week but that is less time consuming without having to follow the morning in the hospital. Most importantly, however, is the fact that this chemo is much more gentle with me. Granted that it has only been two weeks but so far I am having virtually no side-effects.
If I didn't have the neuropathy to focus upon, I would be feeling rather normal. And for the two and a half days following the steroids I do feel very normal. This week I went to lunch with a friend and then to the beach swimming! I wish I could take a steroid or two every day. It's great having energy and motivation. But it is also a bit disconcerting as my identity has begun to shift once again. I no longer feel like "the sick man" so who am I now? I have a sense that I am in some kind of deeply mysterious training about life and meaning. The ground keeps shifting beneath my feet and it is my practice to remain present to the reality of each moment and to who I am in each moment.
In case I should forget that all life is constant change and all that matters is how we respond to that change, I have the visual cues of the changes being wrought upon my garden by the Florida State Water Commission. As you can see from the photo, the garden has been completely destroyed along with the top of the cement bridge. When I was first told about this planned action I was horrified at what I anticipated would be the complete devastation of my garden. Since that time, however, I have shifted in my attitude and I now look upon the project with a tinge of excitement and anticipation. The removal of the trees has opened up the sky in a whole new way and I am now able to see my neighbors truly magnificent banyan tree across the canal. My garden is a peninsula the point of which was obscured by the bridge and my secret garden. Now I am planning to landscape the finished project in such a way as to accentuate the garden being completely surrounded by water. So my earlier, almost knee-jerk despair has been transformed into a passionate enthusiasm. And no thing has changed. What has changed, and changed profoundly, is how I am choosing to respond to the reality of what is. I would much rather be passionately creative than angry and combative.
So great, I created a new reality by shifting my attitude toward what is and soon my garden will be transformed. Now I get to practice in an entirely different and much more challenging arena. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts is in the process of attempting to invalidate my insurance policy with them going back three years. They are currently withdrawing all the monies they have paid to my health providers during the past three years. And yes, they are able to do that with a simple computer maneuver. And they are. And you can imagine the havoc that is causing in my relationships with my providers all of whom are stellar professionals. I am very clear why they are doing this now after I have been a client for at least fifteen years but I will allow you to draw your own conclusions. What I have to deal with is who I am going to be in the face of this repulsive action and how I am going to deal with this company. To allow them to continue on this course of activity could well cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars which is to say my health and my home. And yet, I am still unwilling to be angry and combative. Stay tuned; this isn't going away anytime soon.
If I didn't have the neuropathy to focus upon, I would be feeling rather normal. And for the two and a half days following the steroids I do feel very normal. This week I went to lunch with a friend and then to the beach swimming! I wish I could take a steroid or two every day. It's great having energy and motivation. But it is also a bit disconcerting as my identity has begun to shift once again. I no longer feel like "the sick man" so who am I now? I have a sense that I am in some kind of deeply mysterious training about life and meaning. The ground keeps shifting beneath my feet and it is my practice to remain present to the reality of each moment and to who I am in each moment.
In case I should forget that all life is constant change and all that matters is how we respond to that change, I have the visual cues of the changes being wrought upon my garden by the Florida State Water Commission. As you can see from the photo, the garden has been completely destroyed along with the top of the cement bridge. When I was first told about this planned action I was horrified at what I anticipated would be the complete devastation of my garden. Since that time, however, I have shifted in my attitude and I now look upon the project with a tinge of excitement and anticipation. The removal of the trees has opened up the sky in a whole new way and I am now able to see my neighbors truly magnificent banyan tree across the canal. My garden is a peninsula the point of which was obscured by the bridge and my secret garden. Now I am planning to landscape the finished project in such a way as to accentuate the garden being completely surrounded by water. So my earlier, almost knee-jerk despair has been transformed into a passionate enthusiasm. And no thing has changed. What has changed, and changed profoundly, is how I am choosing to respond to the reality of what is. I would much rather be passionately creative than angry and combative.
So great, I created a new reality by shifting my attitude toward what is and soon my garden will be transformed. Now I get to practice in an entirely different and much more challenging arena. Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts is in the process of attempting to invalidate my insurance policy with them going back three years. They are currently withdrawing all the monies they have paid to my health providers during the past three years. And yes, they are able to do that with a simple computer maneuver. And they are. And you can imagine the havoc that is causing in my relationships with my providers all of whom are stellar professionals. I am very clear why they are doing this now after I have been a client for at least fifteen years but I will allow you to draw your own conclusions. What I have to deal with is who I am going to be in the face of this repulsive action and how I am going to deal with this company. To allow them to continue on this course of activity could well cost me hundreds of thousands of dollars which is to say my health and my home. And yet, I am still unwilling to be angry and combative. Stay tuned; this isn't going away anytime soon.
