HAPPY TO BE HAPPY ...WHEN I AM


It is dawn and the river is like glass. The last time I looked out the window it was pitch black so this is a delightful surprise. It is amazing how optimistic I feel once I am out of bed in a dark room and about my life in this beautiful environment. Yesterday I was driving to see the pulmonary doctor and I realized that I was very happy. Just happy. And I also realized that Fort Lauderdale for all its beauty is filled with a lot of unhappy people. Do they come here looking for some external answer to a naggingly internal question? Beats me. I'm just happy to be happy...when I am.

Anyway, Dr Whitmore is a pulmonary specialist with a warm, joking manner whom I liked instantly in the hospital and this was a follow-up visit. He said I did have pneumonia but that the hideous antibiotic has cleared it up; I am pneumonia-free. That is a good thing. I'm happy about that for sure. And I also realize that these opportunistic infections may attack at any time and with no warning. Now that sucks. But I am forewarned so it is up to me to be as prepared as I can be. And I am doing that. I work with Jeff to prepare for these emergency hospital stays and so far that is working. I also have Alex, a delightful Colombian 29 year old make-up artist who is there to relieve Jeff. I currently do very little work around the house and sometimes I'm unable even to drive to acupuncture.
But, boy am I happy when I can drive myself! Not so much with the cooking!

I am also preparing a manual for Jeff, who is my executor, and my brother and close friends, to assist them in knowing what to do from the moment the hospice nurse says: "He's gone". Now please understand that I am in no hurry and have no intention of "going" anytime soon. But it is part of being responsible for the reality of my illness and the realization that not only does change happen - it can happen blindingly fast! Everything will be preplanned and arranged. My friend, Geoff Cornell, and I even went to visit a crematorium so I could get some information and perhaps arrange for their services. It was actually very interesting to both of us. Although Geoff thought that some of my more unconventional questions were a bit disconcerting to them.

Aside from the complications of arranging for the disposition of my home and possessions (not such an easy task when there is not a single partner or children to whom they can be left automatically), I am also planning for three funerals.
(Think: Queen!) Actually, it is to make things as simple as possible for everyone concerned. There will be a simple memorial in the garden here for Florida people, a larger memorial in Boston for everyone from the Northeast, and then a traditional burial in my home town next to my parents and sister who has always been a spirit guide for me. So it is like completing my journey which I began in 2001 and ending where I began it all. And people who want to attend won't have to travel absurd distances. I am asked if any of this disturbs me. Not at all. In fact as I was composing instructions for the services I felt excited, like I want to attend. And perhaps I shall. Other than that I am rather detached from it all. It's busy work and I look forward to its completion.

When I am not consumed with pain or discomfort, and I am felling pretty good as I am now, dying and death remains an abstraction for me. It is not something I spend any time ruminating about. In fact, yesterday I realized that the human body is an extraordinary thing. It is very elaborate and complex and has super powers of healing itself. And that given all that I have in my body that is NOT working as it needs to be, still the vast majority of my body is working perfectly!
That's pretty awesome and definitely something for which to be grateful and I am. And it makes me happy.

THE DRAKE SUITE

It has been nearly a month since I left the hospital following my ordeal of shame. I swore I would put the entire affair behind me and as soon as I was strong enough I headed for a week of medical appointments in Boston. There I had to rediscover my promise to pack a bag of sweat shirts NOT tee shirts for Boston and to schedule my trip about three days shorter than I am initially inclined. The Boston week was somewhat exhausting so the following week I spent napping in an attempt to grow stronger. Then a week ago yesterday I woke with another fever; this time 104.1. Jeff loaded me in the car and took me to Holy Cross once again. I spent the day sleeping on a gurney in the ER before I was admitted to the hospital at 8:00 PM. AND I was admitted to the same room I had occupied three weeks previously. I figure one more time and my name will announce my residence with a brass plate!

This time they kept me for four days as they tried unsuccessfully to discover what caused the fever. There is a spot on my lung and they are suggesting pneumonia but there are no other symptoms. I am extremely tired all the time so I don't know if that is related but what aggravates me is that no one else seems to know either. Nevertheless, I am taking some heavy-duty antibiotics to treat the pneumonia which I may or may not have!

However, what causes me the most distress is the pain from the neuropathy in my feet. It became pretty bad during my last Velcade treatment and it is difficult to walk because I am so unsteady. It is like walking on beach stones. The muscles of my legs also ache in a most painful way that is often relentless. This is all relatively new; perhaps for the past two months or so. I am finding consistent pain to be a real challenge to my humor and maintaining a positive attitude. Jeff has been truly wonderful as he allows me to take time to truly vent all my complaints and whine like hell before I shut up and move on.

I am learning that, despite my wishes to the contrary, maintaining an attitude of appreciation and gratitude does not exclude being real with oneself and others about how difficult and/or painful life can sometimes be.

Life is definitely all of it and so are we.